Fresh from..

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Dolly

The "Island of Misfit Toys," is how one individual I met described the "later dater" scene. To some degree, I can see their point. A lot of life happens by the time someone reaches their mid 40's, 50's and 60's. Not many people you meet online will tell you positive things about their dating experiences, but, they will, almost without exception, tell you, "there is no other way to meet people."

Men I have dated, female friends, and family members often share similar stories about online dating experiences: they have been the victim of someone trying to scam them for money, catfished, seduced on the first date, used as a hook-up, told on the first date that pre-nuptials will be mandatory before marriage, told that they are expected to take care of their date financially in the future, meeting people who just want a free meal, or worse, have been sexually or physically assaulted.

There are several life circumstances that bring mid-lifers to dating websites: they left or divorced their spouse or partner; their spouse or partner left or divorced them. Some common reasons for leaving or divorcing a partner or spouse: sexual infidelity, addiction, high conflict, and/or financial, sexual, physical, psychological (mental and emotional) and spiritual abuse. Sometimes, mid-lifers are on dating sites because they have had a spouse (or two) die from a disease, accident or suicide. And, whether we agree with it, or not, some people are on dating websites and apps because they want to hook-up, catfish or scam someone.

Scamming and catfishing are in a category all their own. Anyone on a dating site should understand the risk of these people "showing up" from time to time.

I have been navigating the online dating scene on and off, for about 8 years. And I am sure, I have made (almost) every mistake in the book, and lived to tell about it. I still believe that online dating appears to be the most promising way to meet a long term partner or spouse (if that is your goal). But, as a therapist who specializes in trama, and intimacy disorders, I am concerned about the effects that online dating has on people I date, friends, family members and clients.

The symptoms I am observing both in and out of my office resembles attachment injury and relationship trauma. In other words, I am bearing witness to how people on dating sites suffering from attachment injury and relationship trauma brought about by the process of online dating itself.

Most recently, I have had very successful experiences dating online. I have discovered a way to minimize the effects of attachment injury and relationship trauma. I don't want to give the wrong impression. I have not "landed" anyone, and I don't have a ring on my finger. What has changed? My mindset, and it matters!

But first I would like to define attachment injury and relationship trauma and explain how the online dating process can contribute to attachment injury and relationship trauma.

© Revirsco Counseling, LLC 2025

Sarah Wendell is an LPC-MHSP, CSAT, MDiv. who specializes in partners of sex addicts, sex addiction, EMDR, trauma therapy, toxic relationships, co-dependency, and spiritual abuse.