Online Dating Can Contribute to Relationship Injury

How can online dating contribute to attachment injury and relationship trauma?

In their book, Created for Connection, Sue Johnson and Kenny Sanderfer write about attachment theory: "..we are built for relationships and long for connection." They explain how people of faith use a connection with God as a primary source of: comfort, safety, and equilibrium. These same elements are necessary for a secure attachment with another individual. Losing connection with someone means losing a sense of comfort, safety, and equilibrium that is deeply painful (Johnson & Sanderfer, 2016).

Although no singular person can be credited for the terminology "Relationship (or relational trauma)," the terminology has its roots in Bowlby's Attachment Theory, which notes the effects of early childhood abuse, neglect, or lack of attunement by caregivers. These factors affect a child's ability to form secure attachments and regulate emotions (Duchinsky, et al.,2018).

Sue Johnson, Judy Makinen, and John Millikin are the first to use the term "attachment injury" in the context of adult romantic relationships and couples therapy. Attachment injury is defined as, " specific, relational incidents where one partner violates the expectation of the other to provide comfort, and care during a moment of urgent need, potentially leading to feelings of betrayal or abandonment. Such incidents can significantly impact the perceived safety and trustworthiness of a relationship and hinder efforts to repair it (Johnson, et al.2001)."

Since that time, the term has had broader associations with psychological harm caused by relationships that lack safety, stability, and crucial emotional support. Recent research (Quan, et al., 2025) notes a correlation between childhood trauma and satisfaction in romantic relationships where attachment mediates, and social support moderates, the effects of childhood trauma and satisfaction in romantic relationships.

Online dating, for all of its benefits, can also contribute to attachment injury and relationship trauma. How? A "swipe left" dating mentality. This term initially originated from the Tinder Dating App but has come to symbolize an online dating mindset (McCann et al. 2019). It encompasses the attitudes and beliefs that influence how an individual thinks and behaves when interacting, and dating, potential partners. When someone is unable to understand the effects their behavior has on others, online dating can deteriorate into a heightened form of human marketing, focused on appearance, and a less-than-honest portrayal of oneself to compete for a "like," a match, or a conversation. Self-esteem inevitably suffers when an individual tries to be what they think others desire, instead of being themselves. And for those who mistreat others, paranoia from guilt sets in.

As a therapist, I believe the most harmful aspect of "the swipe left mentality" is similarity to a process addiction, (like gambling). If an individual doesn't like someone, they just swipe left. This can happen after a few text exchanges, a week of phone calls, or months of seeing someone in person. The result is often the objectification of men and women, holding others to extremely high standards that one may or may not apply to themselves, a breakdown in communication that drives you back to the website. A "swipe left mentality" makes it easy to blame another for unsuccessful dating instead of looking inward, and seeking therapy to understand why ones dating experiences have been unsuccessful.

  If later daters are on the "Island of Misfit Toys," then the remedy, in my mind, is a commitment to honesty with self and others in terms of why you are using the site, having your stated goals alighn with your actions during text and phone exchanges and in person dates. Promoting safety, security and personal integrity by refusing to participate behaviors that would cause or perpetuate attachment injuries.

I have been asked if I named this Blog, "Fresh from the Pig Pen," because I think men are pigs. No, I think men and women, can act like the old idiom, "you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig," or like the old proverb, "like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a beautiful woman (or man) who shows no discretion." I named this Blog series "Fresh From the Pig Pen," to depict how miserable the online dating experience can be without the right mindset. And mindset matters! Stay tuned for the next blog on improving your mindset, decreasing attachment injury, and getting out of the pig pen.

© Reviresco Counseling, LLC 2025

Sarah Wendell is an LPC-MHSP, CSAT, MDiv. who specializes in partners of sex addicts, sex addiction, EMDR, trauma therapy, toxic relationships, co-dependency, and spiritual abuse.

Johnson, S.M., Makinen, J.A. and Millikin, J.W. (2001), ATTACHMENT INJURIES IN COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS: A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON IMPASSES IN COUPLES THERAPY. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27: 145-155. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2001.tb01152.x

Johnson, S. M., & Sanderfer, K. (2016). Created for connection: the "hold me tight" guide for Christian couples: seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Revised edition. Little, Brown and Company. p 249-265.

McCann, Gillian, and Geet Bechsgaard. “Swiping Right and Left: Is Technology Reshaping Romance?” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 2019, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/return-stillness/201911/swiping-right-and-left.

Reisz S, Duschinsky R, Siegel DJ. Disorganized attachment and defense: exploring John Bowlby's unpublished reflections. Attach Hum Dev. 2018 Apr;20(2):107-134. doi: 10.1080/14616734.2017.1380055. Epub 2017 Sep 27. PMID: 28952412; PMCID: PMC5782852.

Quan L, Zhang K, Chen H. The relationship between childhood trauma and romantic relationship satisfaction: the role of attachment and social support. Front Psychiatry. 2025 Jan 22;15:1519699. doi: 10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1519699. PMID: 39911559; PMCID: PMC11795211.

Hannah Yang, Psy.D. “Understanding and Healing from Relational Trauma.” Balanced Awakening, P.C., Balanced Awakening, P.C., 16 Feb. 2025, balancedawakening.com/blog/understanding-amp-healing-from-relational-trauma#:~:text=%E2%80%9CRelational%20trauma%E2%80%9D%20refers%20to%20the,nervous%2Dsystem%20response%20to%20harm.